Dear Student,

Here's some advice on how to write a book.

10. Close curtains so you don't get distracted by Russia.

9. Increase vocabulary -- use words like "slanket."

8. First buy yourself 100-grand worth of writing outfits.

7. Don't write a

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"Oh, and the pre-orders for Sarah Palin's new book on Amazon are huge. It's the No. 1 book on Amazon. I was looking for that section where it says, 'People who bought this book also bought 'Bridge to Nowhere.'"

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