After waiting anxiously for 8 months, the final season of LOST is set to begin in mere hours. But there are those who still can’t wait (and were obviously led here as a result of imperfect search parameters and a desperate curiosity).  Our spies without personal lives have been scouring through the trashcans of Cuse and Lindelof since last summer for just a hint of what lies in store for fans this last season. Uncovering mostly fast food wrappers, beer cans and some porn, their patience has finally paid off with ten “reveals” that will be made as soon as the first episode.

10) It will be revealed that Kate wears no panties. Not really a surprise because if she did, she’d be out of them most of the time anyway; except when she's beating someone senseless.

9) The size of Locke’s man-boobs will be shown to be exceeded only by Rose’s, and according to Sawyer, “Rose’s are really much firmer, but Locke can twirl the tassles better.”

8) Jack’s balls will mysteriously disappear, but Sawyer will find them hidden in Locke’s pocket along side Ben’s last shred of dignity and Sayid's tortured soul.

7) Miles and Sun will attempt to have an affair until Jin arrives from an alternate universe through a time tunnel built from watch parts. Jin beats Miles mercilessly before he even gets his pants down, screaming, “I’ve been to the future and seen you sweet and sour porking my wife!”

6) The island is really a hallucination of Hurley’s as a result of his high fat diet causing him to have a stroke. He’s really lying face down on the beach unconscious with a bird’s nest in his hair.

5) Jacob and the mysterious “Man in Black” are really Cuse and Lindelof in heavy make-up, making stuff up as they go.

4) The Smoke Monster  is the collective flatulence of everyone who’s ever eaten the Dharma canned food.

3) The castaways will escape the Island by floating away on Sawyer's massive ego.

2) The ghost of Michael will continue to haunt the island, walking randomly through scenes and screaming, “Waaaaaalt!”

And the number one revelation coming in the very first episode:  You can’t really set a nuke off by impact but the audience will go along with it and think it worked.

Happy viewing. Next week more revelations that defy logic including the mystery of Eko's Jesus Stick and Richard's all day eyeliner.