The American record for oldest student was officially recorded today as Ed, a Taterville sophomore since 1982, was pronounced dead at the school. School records show that Ed needed only 2 more credits before being advanced to junior status, and instructors were hopeful that this year would have seen his much deserved promotion.

While the cause of death was not officially announced, sources close to the man say he probably just died of boredom. "He wasn't a young man anymore," one source stated. "I think he was tired of all of it, and it finally got to be mor than he can handle. You know high school can be tough on a person."

Counseling will be provided to students over the next few days, including Ed's youngest son, Jake, who is scheduled to graduate in June. Compounding matters even worse, the source revealed that Ed had been the campus go-to guy for cigarettes, alcohol and other school contraband, and his going will create unpredictable consequences until a new source for illegal products can be located.